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February 13, 2008
Three Men
I've had many lovers and a several boyfriends throughout my life, but for tomorrow's important-for-some and not-so-important-for-others Valentine's Day, I want to talk about three of them in particular. I'm choosing them as they are the three who really shaped me and my opinions on love, relationships, friendships, loyalties, life and many things that make me ME.
I met Sasha in 1994, the year I graduated from university and planned to leave Russia for the West. But I did not leave... I delayed my long, cherished dream of changing my life for what I thought would be love forever (well, I was 22) with a top Russian model.
Sasha was my first love. It was love at first sight, the kind of love that does not make any sense and was based on looks, nothing but looks. And he had looks! These badly-made amateur pictures above, taken by me with a cheap Russian camera in 1994, do not serve him any justice. Not a bit.
He was truly a stunner. Men and women would turn their heads as we passed by (and not because of me). With him I became an unnoticeable shadow. He became my obsession, my sickness. I realized that I was not only not thinking about myself, but I could not thinking about my family, my friends, or my future. I was robbed of the ability to think about anything but him.
Was my relationship with him pointless, or was that one year with him important? I think it was important, as it taught me a lesson: relationships cannot be based on an obsession with someone's pretty face and gorgeous body; it has to be more than that, much more. So I will never forget my Moldavian-Russian, and not just for his looks, his deep voice, his beautiful smile, and not even for all the sleepless nights, insecurity, and tears. He will always live in my memory as a reminder of how close one can get to losing one's dreams and one's identity for a person who is not worth it.
I left Sasha without leaving a note, without ever saying goodbye. Without ever speaking to him about it, I left for Europe the day after I decided to leave him.
I met Anthony in 1997 when I was visiting New York. He had everything I thought I needed in a man: intelligence and a great education (he was a doctor of philosophy, having graduated from Columbia University). At the time he was working on Wall Street and teaching in the evenings.
We shared all the same interests: opera, books, travel—it was like a dream. He was the man I was longing for. So I moved in with him after two weeks, leaving my boyfriend back in Germany and my lover back in France (neither of them was important).
I introduced Anthony to my parents during our trip to Moscow, and he introduced me to his in New Jersey, the place I had to visit every weekend! His parents were nice but common. I was bored there but thought that love was a lot about sacrificing. I still do think so, but I do not apply it to frequent trips to a partner's family.
Anthony and I traveled the world together. We fought and made up. It went on for three years, and we might have stayed together, but as one can not be perfect, my Italian-American was not the exception: he was a drug-addict. A functional one. A smart one. Very smart, in fact. So smart that I (who never knew anyone who did it and never even tried a cigarette himself) found out about it by accident a year into the relationship.
After finding out, I told myself that every problem we ever had was because of the damn drugs, and for two more years I tried to get him sober. With no luck, of course... after all the meetings that I took him to, all the numerous psychologists we saw together, all nights in the emergency room of St. Vincent's whenever he overdosed...
I left him, as all his promises to quit were broken and I finally understood that one can not help a partner with a drug addiction unless that partner makes the decision to help himself (and that's often not until he hits rock bottom). In fact, I realized that with me around he would never stop (drugs are always more important and more powerful than the one you love when you're an addict). We broke up, and it was a nasty one, with the police, friends and family all involved. It was the saddest thing.
I met Richard in December of 2001. A graduate from Yale, a smart business man, and a community leader, he was intelligent, wise, kind and respectful.
We did not move in together for nearly seven months. I was observing him. I wanted to know that at the age of 29, I was not making a mistake. And now I know I didn't.
After seven years together, he has proven to be the greatest life partner: one you can always rely on, one who listens and respect your opinion (without necessarily agreeing), one who never judges or pushes his opinion on you, and one who gives the best advice when asked. I know Richard will be there for me (as he has been many time) whenever I need him.
So I hope that this one will work in the long-run as it has been working now for nearly seven years. I hope I will not make a mistake. As after all these years, after all this experience and knowledge, I am still very human and very capable of making mistakes. I am an atheist, but I feel like saying: help me, God.
Posted by Michael at February 13, 2008 11:09 AM
Comments
Happy Valentine's Day, Michael. I'm not into common, commercially poisoned occasions, but your honesty and frankness, that I'm so fond of, once again made me pay attention where I normally wouldn't.
You had your share of people, but more importantly, you have drawn the right conclusions from your experience. Nice exception in a world so frustratingly full of people ready and eager to make same mistakes over and over again, and yet again dismiss all damage with a whine, snot and "love is blind, there's nothing one can do", offering their lives as casualty of their lack of brains, strength, and, most frequently, spine. It's refreshing to see how you kept your senses and used them accordingly, instead of turning into bitter and mean person, poisoned by their disappointments, and trying to poison every one who happens to be around too.
And it's even more of a relief to see someone with my POV, word to word (though not event by event). I'm guessing we might be similar by the feedback we get for our ways and beliefs, too. This is why I wish you strength to keep going the way you do, to be always this honest with yourself and with others around you. I wish you more reasons for happy smiles, rather then ones for concerned frowns.
Above all, of course, I wish you many, many years of true love and togetherness with your man. And yes, i choose "true" over "real" for a reason. But I'm sure I needn't have pointed that to you.
Posted by: Alex at February 13, 2008 05:31 PM
As ever your frankness even on this personal subject is charming. I wish you and your partner all the best and hope it continues for you both. Do you suppose one day you or your company will break that final frontier and make a main stream film with adult performers and maybe an adult version of the film. I hope you do. I always feel the public would not mind at all but mainstream films are financed by big businesses that are by nature very conservative.
Posted by: martin at February 13, 2008 07:12 PM
wonderful posting, human, honest, revealing, well-written a,d interesting to read about this -after all- private side of you, there's one caveat to the story though and that's the'the seven years' bit, i.e. THE crucial moment in any relationship be it straight or gay.
If u survive this year u'll probably survive all the rest. Nice picture too of the 'lucas' clan :)
Posted by: Ricci at February 14, 2008 05:01 AM
From the little i have seen, in my opinion Richard is the cutest, Anthony the most gorgeous one and Sascha, hmmm what was he? Maybe the funniest one?
Hmmm, but leaving them behind just like that, from one day to another without staying in touch, is a hard thing to do.
I could never have proceeded that way.....rom
Posted by: rom at February 14, 2008 07:49 AM
Hello Michael, Happy Valentine's Day. Thanks for sharing your loves with us. When I first met my husband Frank I was only 18 and he was 36. I can't believe in Sept it will be 20 years. I love him now more than life itself.
Hugs,
Anthony
Posted by: Anthony at February 14, 2008 11:16 AM
happy valentine's day. what a beautiful testomony of your love life, not your sex life but your love life because its written as everyone who are constantly searching for that right one, sometimes it takes a few relationships to see where you truly stand and then it hits. lets hope all of us find that special one in our life.
Posted by: MICHAEL at February 14, 2008 05:32 PM
wow i really learned alot reading about your love story... right now i am loosing my identity and my dreams because of this love. and maybe soon as i have read your story i'll try and forget this someone and hope i could find another who will really understand. i am thankful that i was able to read your story..
Posted by: DEXTER at February 17, 2008 09:19 PM
Excellent post. I think almost all can relate to it...having been in similar relationships...hopefully, many will have experienced what you are now experiencing with your current boyfriend...luckily, I have been for the last thirteen years...after having gone through some rocky ones.
Posted by: Bill at March 5, 2008 11:21 AM