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December 28, 2007

In Touch, Spencer Pratt & Me

Yes, I am in In Touch magazine this week about having "reality star" Spencer Pratt appear in my films. You can see a scan of the article here:

http://www.newnownext.com/2007/12/spencer-pratt-a.html

In Touch asked me for a "conservative," not very "explicit" quote, as I guess they heard that I do not hold back and wouldn't hold back when it comes to Mr. Pratt and his following of a few thousand retarded teenage girls. So I gave them a very careful, tongue-in-cheek quote. If not for those retarded girls, my choice of words would have been more along these lines:

VERSION ONE
Spencer, darling, listen to me. Your 1 ½ abs, your ultra-bright smile, your not-so-deep blue eyes--I love it all. But face it. Your biological clock is ticking. We all know blonds show their age fast. Yet from experience, I realize that counter to the old cliché, blonds are not stupid. You most certainly are one smart dude. So exercise your intelligence; give your career the kick in the ass it so desperately needs. Come to my casting couch; I’ll make you the star you’ve dreamt of becoming.

You have my solemn promise that I won’t discriminate against you based on your acting talent. Unlike MTV, I won’t show you in your worst light, forcing you to do something so ridiculous as to talk in front of a camera. In my films, we will go straight to the point, to the meat and potatoes.

Ahhhhhh, Spencer!!!!! Every time I’ve heard you struggling with speech on screen, I’ve wanted to sit on your face, your baby doll face with those tender lips. This is exactly why switching over to gay porn is the best possible move for you. And your whole body looks so smooth; I bet we wouldn’t have to trim your ass. If you weren’t born to be in a gay porn blockbuster, who was? Besides, I’m in talks with Ben Affleck and Jack Black to co-star with you; your talents just about match theirs. They both threw up in their mouths a little when I mentioned your name, but then we offered more money and now they’re totally gung-ho about the project.


VERSION 2
Lucas Entertainment would do anything to be able to center our next major all-male production on Spencer Pratt. There’s actually little to no demand for Spencer in the gay market. Yet straight men sick of seeing his stupid nonsense on "The Hills" have been begging us for scenes in which he finally gets what he appears to want most.

Spencer knows about doing anything for money, and so do we. As my Casting Director pointed out, if Spencer blows our dialogue, we can just have somebody shove something in his mouth. Judging by a survey of online comments about this actor, ahem, nobody would mind that.

I have already offered my lead gay porn stars ten times their normal fees . . . and double supplies of Listerine . . . to work with Spencer. They’ve agreed to participate, so long as they don’t have to take their clothes off. So Spencer will be the only naked guy in this movie. We’re totally psyched that the MTV fans who love making fun of Spencer’s looks will now have something to mock but good.

Not that I personally am swayed by other people’s opinions about a potential porn star’s looks. His baby doll face, his tender lips, his cute rounded butt – why should all that talent go to waste in situations where acting is necessary? Just as Greta Garbo had huge success without opening her mouth, Spencer will be thrust to true fame by at long last opening his without saying anything.


Version 3
Spencer Pratt; I kinda like you. The weird set to your semi-blue eyes, the unnaturalness of your britey-whitey teeth, your washboard abs, a washboard dirtied by body fat.

Trust me; I’ll know how to show viewers the parts of Spencer Pratt they most want to see. And he has absolutely nothing to fear from his lack of acting talent, in fact, he’ll blend right in with my stable of gay studs.

There are so many things I value about Spencer Pratt. His incredible energy, his in-your-face enthusiasm for attention, attention and more attention, the ego towering over the baby doll face; I will know how to put all that to excellent use in gay porn.

In my porn, Spencer won’t have to trouble his precious little head over lines to be delivered. People will be able to dream through his face, and even through his backside. With Spencer’s imagination at play on his own face, we will put all his enthusiasm and energy into some real action, lighting a fire of excitement throughout the entire gay nation.

Posted by Michael at December 28, 2007 12:19 AM

Comments

Spencer Pratt is Frankenblond. That face, that fivehead, it's just not attractive.

Posted by: dan at December 28, 2007 03:35 AM

can't see , don't understand what some crowd see in this guy, very ordinary looks to my taste unless go solely for blondes and even then there are far more cuter blondies around their of the male sex....

Posted by: ricci at December 28, 2007 08:14 AM

I think you should have chosen a reality star with more pizazz like Newyork. She has a weenie right?


Posted by: Hedda Lettuce at December 28, 2007 11:03 AM

Michael, you are wonderful! I love your wicked sense of humor, right on target.

I'd love to see you bonk Spencer, or a 3 way with Jason Tiya. Both of you bonking him (a double penetration would be fun to watch!). Finishing him off with water sports would be fun too, wouldn't it?

Looking forward to Lucas Entertainment's "Spend It On Spence".

Keep me laughing (& cumming!)

Posted by: Russ at December 28, 2007 01:50 PM

Honestly, what's wrong with any of these versions? :-))))) So much for valueing honesty! Besides people love your total bluntness and straightforwardness. OK, that's what I value the most, but I'm sure as hell not the only one. I can only regret they wouldn't let you answer the way you wanted to.

Not that it's any waste - imho the guy's face looks so mawkish, it's ridiculous.

Posted by: Alex at December 28, 2007 01:57 PM

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

America has a history of recycling actors with talents comprable to those of Spencer Pratt.

Reagen, Schwarzenegger -- In a few decades, we could see Spencer in one of the highest offices in the land. He'll win in a November election, and it'll be known as a Pratt fall.

Posted by: Tight Hole at January 1, 2008 04:24 AM