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January 02, 2007
My Grandfather
I ended my vacation early and came back to New York because my Grandfather Victor died the morning of Dec 31st, after fighting cancer for 8 years. He was 85 years old. It is a very difficult time for my family, me and especially my grandmother, as my grandparents were married for sixty years. I was very close to my grandfather throughout my life. My parents, my grandparents and I lived together until I was eight when my parents and I moved to an apartment close by.
But we spent three months every summer together in our country house outside of Moscow. Even though my grandfather was an older man when I came out, he was very accepting and supportive, which was a wonderful and rare thing considering the times and the country we lived in.
When I came to the US and got my green card, my grandparents were the first to join me as they did not want to live separately on a different continent. Or, as my grandfather said, "to see each other only once or twice a year is not enough". They left everything for me and came to New York in the year 2000 and settled in Brooklyn. My parents and my brother came a year later.
My grandfather studied English every day and became a US citizen just nine months ago. All that while undergoing chemotherapy and radiation. Even though during his time in America he was a very sick man, he fell in love with New York and enjoyed all the great culture New York has to offer --- from Carnegie Hall to the Metropolitan Opera to museum tours.
He was a wonderful man who loved life and the most amazing grandfather one could have. I spent tonight, as I got back from Mexico, with my parents and my grandmother. It's a very strange feeling that my grandfather is not with us any longer and I also keep thinking that I did not do enough to pay him back for all the love he gave me. There is a poem that was written by a German writer, Ferdinand Freilgrath, called "Love as Long as You Can".
Oh love, as long as day may dawn,
The hour will come,
You will stand beside a grave , and mourn
Whoever gives his heart to you
Oh, show him all the love you own,
And fill his waking hours with joy,
And never make him feel alone.
And watch your tongue as best you can -
A wicked word is quickly spoken.
"Oh, god, I didn't mean it so!"
The other goes away, Heart-broken,
Then you kneel down beside the grave
And say: 'Look at the woman who
Is weeping here to see you go!
Forgive me, please, for hurting you!
Oh, god, I didn't mean it so!'
But he can't see and he can't hear you,
He can't be welcomed back, somehow.
The mouth that kissed you oft before
Can't say that all's forgiven now...
He did forgive you, long ago,
But many hot tears fell, my friend.
About you and your bitter word...
Oh, he's at rest, he's reached the end!
It might be a very poor translation but I like this poem very much as it holds so true, as one always says: "I meant no harm."
Be gentle to those you love as everything comes to an end.
Michael Lucas
Posted by Michael at January 2, 2007 11:05 AM
Comments
My deepest sympathies, Michael. It's hard to lose the ones you love. He was a great man, especially for you.
Posted by: Mike at January 2, 2007 01:09 PM
Michael,
Sorry for your & your family's loss. It seems sadder when it happens at this time of year.
I think you did much for your family, by bringing them here. Even though we are not perfect in this country (with our leaders, how can we be) you & your family are good Americans now. I, for one (& I am not ass kissing here, though I'd love to do the real thing. LOL).
Your Grandfather & Grandmother & you & your family are in my prayers. I still do, even though I'm not religious.
Hope you had good holidays & a good New Year.
Posted by: Russ at January 2, 2007 03:02 PM
The persona you give off thru your work makes you seem so cold but I was moved by your affection towards your family. Death in the family is very hard. Just think that your grandfather may be at a more peaceful place right now and don't neglect your grandma because she needs your family the most right now.
Posted by: Jason from QueerPornNation at January 2, 2007 04:51 PM
Michael: I am so sorry for your loss. Your grandfather sounded like a wonderful man and I am sure he knew how very much that you loved him. I lost my father this year and it is very hard to say goodbye but I will tell you that my father's spirit is with me every day as I am sure your grandfather will remain with you.
Posted by: Brett at January 2, 2007 05:09 PM
My condolences to you & your family
It sounds like there is a lot of love and support in your family - that is the MOST important thing in life as you know
Your last sentiment resonates with me about being gentle with people - that is a wonderful life philosophy
Posted by: Justin at January 2, 2007 07:19 PM
My heart goes out to you and your family. Your tribute to your grandfather comes from the depth of your being--poignant and very well-expressed. Cling close to those we love, indeed. Thank you.
Posted by: Scott Michaels at January 2, 2007 08:57 PM
Michael
Being a Cancer survior I know exactly the feelings your Grandfather had in his discovery of New York and even more so the deeper love he discovered in his family and his special relationship with you . To be able to leave with such understandings of the beauty of love and life is a gift within it self . YOu know he will always be with you and watching over you . You are an amazing man Michael even though I dont know you just from the short time you have come to my attention I have learned to be true to myself . Im truly sorry for your loss and happy for the memories your grandfather has given you to carry you through the rest of your life . god bless and best wishes .. George
Posted by: George at January 3, 2007 08:35 AM
Mr. Lucas: I was especially touched by your blog entry about your late grandfather. Many times it is just sheer good luck to have an influence in our lives like your grandfather was in yours. His impact on your life will be a part of you forever, and in that way, I guess you could say he'll still be with us. My sympathies to you and your family.
Posted by: Clyde at January 3, 2007 02:20 PM
Dear Michael, you, your grandfather and your family are in my prayers in this moment.
Posted by: Daniel at January 3, 2007 03:39 PM
Dear Michael,
My condolences to you & your family. I know how you feel roght now, because I lost my grandmother too because of the cancer. In those moment, I wish you to be strong, near to your family that you love and appreciated so, and don't forget that we always will remember them like thei was: kind, beautifull and loving. Thei will be always in our hearts!
Posted by: Cosmini at January 4, 2007 06:49 AM
Michael,
When I saw your entry of your granddad passing away, I felt sadness deep down. I lost my parents in a three months period.
Cutting your vacation short shows your true love for your grandfather and toward your family. My deepest sympathy to you and your loved one
Posted by: RVT at January 4, 2007 05:42 PM
Michael,
Our thoughts and prayers are with you. So sorry for your loss. With sympathy,
The BGB Staff
Posted by: Nick at January 5, 2007 03:28 PM
Dear Michael, I'm so sorry for your loss. Words don't do justice nor do they seem to ease a bleeding nor wounded heart at times of loss. But you and your family be encouraged; because you had a wonderful man in your lives for 85 years and that's a blessing. Just keep up the works of excellance he manafested in everyone lives and he will never be gone nor forgotten. I lost my only biological baby brother to a robbery and murder by a 17 year old boy who a year after he robbed and killed my brother. He turned around and killed a 19 year old girl, who was my neighbor's niece. So to you and your family may GOD ease your pain with his love,grace and mercy. Love you. (Ren)
Posted by: Ren at January 6, 2007 01:16 AM
Toutes mes condoléances pour cette perte si précieuse cher Michael, qu'il repose en paix.
Posted by: Anthony at January 6, 2007 12:51 PM
Michael, I love you very much!
Posted by: Pham Ha at January 8, 2007 12:21 PM