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April 17, 2006
Pork Roast in Heaven, or Bacon in Hell?
There’s a reason we never hear about gays perpetrating terrorist attacks.
While Muslims believe that on the other side of martyrdom, 72 virgins await them in heaven, gay people think that when a homo passes through the pearly gates, he is greeted by 72 oinking sex pigs.
Because it is so easy to find 72 sex pigs on earth, gays have no motivation to martyr themselves. A Muslim terrorist, however, can’t even find one virgin on the planet and if he can, she won’t do it with him. Meanwhile, the women who died and went to heaven without getting laid on earth are so desperate for dick that they’ll even allow themselves to get fucked by a terrorist who is fresh from killing scores of school children in a suicide bombing.
This brings me to George W. Bush.
Even if you don’t admire him for his anti-gay rights stance, you have to admit he is a genius when it comes to the security of the United States.
Upon taking office in 2001, Bush cancelled an FBI investigation of Saudi Arabia. His critics would have us believe he did that because his father, working with The Carlyle Group, was hugely invested in Saudi businesses. An intelligent person, however, can see that canceling an FBI investigation of Saudi Arabia months before the 9/11 attack was, without exception, the best imaginable move for the security of the United States.
George W. Bush, furthermore, has been most wise to not capture Osama bin-Laden. One has to recognize the importance of not punishing the top guys, who after all are only giving orders, not following them.
Alberto Gonzalez, for example, wrote a memo authorizing the use of torture at Abu Ghraib, and then was correctly promoted to Attorney General. Ridiculous liberals say that Gonzalez should be held accountable for the torture at Abu Ghraib, but normal citizens are content with seeing a few underlings court-martialed. What’s good about that, apart from the inherent moral rightness of torture, is that the images of Abu Ghraib torture victims let potential terrorists know that they better not mess with Bush’s United States or they will wind up naked with a fierce German Shepard barking a few centimeters away from their genitals. The best part is that under Bush, the naked prisoner getting barked at doesn’t even have to be accused of anything, much less be guilty of it.
If the decision to invade Iraq wasn’t sheer brilliance, what is? The country was only a threat to us insofar as big American companies didn’t have enough control of its oil. Bush’s method of getting at the oil through a camouflage strategy involving non-existent weapons of mass destruction threw, and continues to throw everybody’s attention away from the oil. It permits Bush to praise democratic progress even as Sunnis are taking the fat from the Kurdish people they’ve killed so that Shiites might cook the Sunnis in it later.
The Dubai Ports World deal might not have been the crowning glory of all of Bush’s accomplishments yet in it we see more of his splendid capacity for foresight. It’s probably true that nobody has studied U.S. ports like Al Qaeda has.
I also must laud the Commander in Chief for keeping silent about the ayatollah Sistani’s anti-gay fatwa, which has led to public lynchings of gays in the streets of Baghdad. As we all know from the model set by the United States, democracy has nothing to do with giving gay people their rights.
Now, most of my readers are extremely intelligent. For those very few who may not be, I’m making something clear as pre-cum; my above commentary is sarcasm, it is a joke, I am claiming to support Bush whereas in reality I condemn him in the most absolute terms.
Posted by Michael at April 17, 2006 04:22 PM
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Comments
It's ironic that you've made this tongue-in-cheek posting the same day that Arab terrorists and others carried out a suicide bombing in Tel Aviv.
I say "Arab terrorists and others" because 1) the suicide bombing happened with direct planning and assistance from people other than the suicide bomber and 2) by not taking an unequivocal stand against Arab terrorism, the international community in many ways encourages it.
There is nothing about the situation of those referred to as Palestinians that justifies the taking of human life. Nor is there any logical historical basis for believing and/or saying that Arabs have a right to all land between Egypt and Jordan and Jews none. Jews were there several thousand years before any Arab set foot on the land. Yet many, including Jimmy Carter, never tire of denouncing the Israelis, which encourages Arab terrorists to attack.
Yes or no: Do you think the most immediately important factor in the Middle East would be to stop gratuitous killings?
If the Arabs would announce right this minute that they will stop all violent actions against Israelis, they would have absolutely nothing to fear from the Israelis. The reverse is not true. If the Israelis announced tonight that they would take no defensive measures against Arabs attacking, they would be annihilated within two weeks. The Arab point of view is that when they fire rockets at Israel from Gaza, the attacks are justified because any Jew in the territory is an "occupier." But when the Israelis (who were not exactly occupying an Arab land 3,000 years ago) defend themselves against terror attacks out of Gaza, those defensive actions are used to justify attacks like the one today in Tel Aviv.
How deranged does a human being have to be anyway to kill himself in a suicide attack?
Gay people should be particularly wary of those Arabs who want to establish Islamic states. Islamic law, Sharia, calls for homosexuals to be killed. In the Iran and Iraq of today, gays are being killed for the mere fact of being gay, and they are being killed within the letter of the law. Would we really want to see such a situation prevailing in the area that is now Israel? Hamas is, after all, committed to establishing an Islamic state.
Posted by: Scott Rose at April 17, 2006 07:56 PM
I love you Michael Lucas.
Posted by: C.L.B. at April 18, 2006 01:31 AM
It's so sad that if you hadn't put that disclaimer at the end of the post, at least a dozen nitwits would have posted in a fury about your rabid Republican, anti-gay beliefs.
Posted by: David at April 18, 2006 11:18 AM
Michael,
Why must be so racist and intolerant? In your attack on Muslims, it is so filled with inaccuracies that it barely can be read as anything other than pure, unadulterated racism. I suggest you actually read the Quran and see what it says about the 40 virgins waiting for you. The actualy quote is something like 40 virgins, both men and women, await you. As for the homophobic sentimate, I suggest you look into what our friends are doing in China, Malaysia, Nigeria or Chad because your focus on this one region of the world is so skewed that it really shows you for what you are, an ignorant bigot.
Posted by: diabolix at April 18, 2006 01:30 PM
Michael,
This isn't a comment on your last post, but just a question for you (although I think I know the answer). I agree with what you said, with your tongue in cheek (was it really a tongue, or something else?).
Your take, on McClain selling out to the idiots Robertson & Falwell, and of course the so-called "Log Cabin" Republicans who will probably support him in 08? Just thought I'd get your blood boiling.
Let's have a wonderfully bitchy blog about it.
Russ
Posted by: Russ at April 19, 2006 08:10 PM
Oh diabolix, the ultimate terrorist apologist. Who the fuck cares if they're killing themselves for 40 or 72 virgins (while taking others out with them)? Nigeria, by the way, is a Muslim state (you ignorant f***). Just because there are other homophobic states, doesn't make this right. But homophobia is one of a million vices this medieval part of the world has. So please, STFU!!!!
Posted by: jaden at April 20, 2006 11:50 PM
In lovely Saudia Arabia, if they can't find a cliff high enough to throw homosexuals down to their deaths, they use a helicopter!
Ah technology
Posted by: gg at April 25, 2006 10:13 PM