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June 27, 2005

Cabs and the City

fronttaxib.jpg

Yesterday I got into a cab with my friend Jason and was immediately hit by an odor so pungent, so foul, I thought a rat had died in the back seat. I’m not sure what other people do when they find themselves in that situation. I suspect most keep quiet, some hold their breath.

Fuck that. I think smelling like a French prostitute is a sign of bad manners, a complete disregard for other people’s right to clean breathing. So I do whatever any self-respecting person would do: I tell them they stink and get the hell out (you should have seen the look on Jason’s face, priceless).

But really, if you think about it, what’s up with New York City cabbies? How hard is it to keep your frikkin’ car clean? Most car owners manage, why can’t you? Is it too much to ask that you roll down the window every once in a while, so it doesn’t smell like an armpit? Or how about not eating your curry-soaked food in the cab? Better yet, don’t eat curry at all, for the love of God.

You guys didn’t come to America just to exchange a camel for a cab. This is a new and different culture, so how about embracing this great American tradition called “showering.”

More than 17,000 New Yorkers are subject to taxi accidents each year. I wonder, where did you all get your driver’s license? In some Al-Qaeda DMV? (talk about sleeper cells, I don’t think they’re really asleep, they’re simply driving our yellow cabs -- for those with a double-digit IQ, I’m kidding). But seriously, sitting in the back seat of a New York City cab, I always feel like I’m on some suicide mission.

It’s amazing that in a city like New York, where cabs are as essential as traffic lights, we can’t get a safe, decent (how about just civilized?) ride.

If it’s not the stench, it’s that bizarre cell-phone obsession. When was the last time you got into a cab and the driver was actually paying attention to what YOU were saying? I really am curious to know, what the hell are they talking about all day long? That constant banter in some Middle-Eastern language, enough to drive you bonkers. Not only that, they’re so distracted by those goddamn phones, you’re forced to repeat your destination half a dozen times (and more often that I care to remember, they still get it wrong somehow).

Hey asshole, how about you take that fucking earpiece out and listen for a change? Who knows, maybe you’ll actually earn your tip? (another enigma: why do we tip cabbies? I get tipping a waiter, a delivery person, but a cabby? For what? For driving? Hey, while we're at it, let’s tip teachers for teaching and cops for policing).

But my favorite cabbie pet-peeve has to be the air-conditioner. Don’t you hate it when as soon as you get in, that’s when they turn on the A.C.? By the time the cab gets cool, you’ve reached you destination and you’re so disheveled you look like you slept in you’re clothes. Stop pinching pennies on our account. Leave the cool air on and your cell phones off.

Maybe then, just maybe, we could actually pay for a ride without feeling like we’re being taken for a ride.

Love,

Michael

Posted by Michael at June 27, 2005 04:29 PM

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Comments

The cabs in Toronto aren't any better. It is so refreshing that Michael has the balls to say what so many of us think.

Posted by: Donald at June 27, 2005 05:47 PM

I saw you on 8th ave yesterday, i bet the guy u were with was jason. i didn't say hello because i thought you would yell at me.

Posted by: Richard the Yankee at June 27, 2005 07:54 PM

OH my....I can only imagine the comments people are going to leave ya for this one Michael. However, as racist as most of it is, it's pretty damn true....sooo sad....

Posted by: Roy at June 27, 2005 09:17 PM

Have you ever seen the Scorcese film Taxi Driver? This was before Giuliani supposedly cleaned up NY, and in the movie Deniro laments the condition of his cab after a nights drving. "I had to wipe up the vomit and cum from the backseat." You maybe be well groomed and pleasant smelling gay man, but the rest of the world is populated by "old French whores" that don't smell as good. And this comes a surprise to you after living in NY for how long? (PS--i love your blog. Keep posting the pouty pics--they are fricking hilarious)

Posted by: Ed at June 27, 2005 10:12 PM

I TOTALLY agree about the tipping!!! I think you should be tipped when fans see you on the street!

Posted by: Ethan at June 28, 2005 02:18 AM

If what you're saying is true, then all of us faggots are mentally ill A.I.D.S carriers. All Russians are pale, sheep fucking, A.I.D.S having commies. And Jews should be exterminated, and so on...

The gay community is supposed to be fighting against bigotry, but instead you're perpetrating that evil force which continues to oppress us.

Congratulations, Lucas, you're a racist! Shame on you. The little respect I had for you is gone now. You just lost a loyal fan.

***I don't expect you to make my comment public, since I'm speaking the truth***


Posted by: Johnny Boy at June 28, 2005 05:52 PM

I have to admire your bravery in just putting it all out there Michael. Next time I see you strutting in Chelsea I'm going to say hello. I don't give a damn if you bark at me or not! I'll bark back! lol

Posted by: Stefan at June 28, 2005 06:59 PM

ok u know as much as i agree that they should definetly 'CLEAN UP" their act, much of what you wrote is racist. assuming that they are from al quaeda, and refering to curry, is just downright ignorant.

Posted by: tloby at June 29, 2005 11:18 AM

Dear Michael;

while you're cute what you said was not. I'm somebody that considers you to be smart respectable person in some ways a role model and i was dissapointed by what you said. The bluntness of what you said is not the issue. it is true that a lot of new york cabs do stink and i and quite a few new yorkers have had that displeasurable experience. However using a legitamite gripe as a doorway to go into a racist diatribe is not. being Blunt and being ignorant are two different qualities and your career from being a former lawyer to being a successful entrepeneur does not show a man who would be that ignorant.

This is a blog and i do imagine that a lot of what you write is off the top of your head and therefore no censor button, and you shouldn't censor yourself but that does not mean you shouldn't use judgement. As someone who is both jewish and gay you should have some empathy to wards other people who are minorities.

If i was a gay arab and i read what you wrote i do imagine i would feel that dark feeling in my stomach and the heavy weight on my neck that comes with knowing that while the rest of the world hates you for being gay. gay folks hate you too for not being white and will use the words al quaeda or sand jockey as easily as straight bigots use the word faggot is the type of thing that makes your heart black and ruins your day and you would be responsible.

I am not mad or angry that you said what you said just dissapointed. You're a lot more intelligent and worldly than that level of ignorance and your judgment did not match in many ways a person in which there is a lot to admire should act

Posted by: c.clear at June 29, 2005 11:14 PM

I have to agree with you on the cabbie issue. I live in Hawaii, so the cab drivers here are all asian or phillipino. And the whole cab stinks of soy sauce. And the way they drive is like a death ride. I sometimes want to say, "ease off the gas peddle, Hop-Sing!!" But you can't say something like that without sounding racist. But it's how I feel. By the way, the blog rocks!!!!

Posted by: Don at June 30, 2005 01:24 AM